INTERNET, GET OUT OF MY HEAD

[psychick]

The phone rings, in the middle of the night,
My father yells 'What you gonna do with your Abby?'

Which song was this lyric from?

Get your own lyrics:

So hi, I'm actually going to talk about my life for a minute. My pal Ike asked me today if I was depressed, and yeah. I pretty much am.

Being unemployed is not good for me. I am stressed, depressed and I do not sleep. With nothing to do, I spend hours doing nothing, unable to focus or commit because nothing is productive, nothing solves anything. I have no idea how to be a pessimist, I have never accepted nihilism, but I've gotten really damned good at denial and avoidance. And fuck me if I am not the picture of a silver-spoon middle class white girl WHO IS SUPPOSED TO BE GETTING INTO GRAD SCHOOL, but I've learned not to try. But if I don't try, I can't complain, right? I haven't learned to stop saying that I'm going to try, however, and I get left listening to my own hollow promises and exclamations. Liar liar.

And that's why I never post here anymore, guys. Nothing but nonsense and memes. No good news means no news at all. I pour myself into hobbies to give myself something constructive to do and something to think about that isn't panic and defeat.

I thank God for my friends and family, even as I mooch off of them. How dangerous this is, to become an sinkhole of productivity, to take with nothing to give back, because people will stop giving eventually. And really, if I take and take and do nothing with what I'm given, they should. I have not lived up to the people I love.

And now for the news that is not me whining:

My father has cancer. Doctors found a tumor on his kidney. He's going into surgery to have it removed tomorrow, and everything looks like it's going to be a nice, neat, in-and-out removal. Coming on the tail end of a month in which two of my friends lost their fathers and others have seen their daddies in and out of the hospital, if I did not sit here and appreciate everything my dad has done for me, I wouldn't deserve to have him. Thankfully, he has an excellent doctor, and the outlook for a full recovery is quite good. Prayers and good thoughts for him would be appreciated.

Comments

[badbutterfly.livejournal.com]

Oh Abby, you don't deserve all of this hardship, you really don't. It sucks for you, and no one could deny that. I will pray for your dad, not knowing what I to do, and if you find yourself in the DC area for Christmas let me know and I will make sure we see each other. I've been thinking about you a lot recently, and I was actually going to ask you for your address so I could send your x-mas card.

Hang in there, hard to do, but worth it.

[psychick.livejournal.com]

Thank you, Feiren dear. A lessening in the level of AUGH in the world in general would be nice, but I will certainly accept hugs and good thoughts.

I am going to be down in the old MD for the hols, and I'd love to meet up! I don't think I have your number anymore, so shoot me a text message or an email.

[badbutterfly.livejournal.com]

Wow, I don't think anyone has called me that in years! 4434151533, call anytime. For any reason. I'll be in town starting on the 21st, and staying til probably the 29th.