psychick | INTERNET, GET OUT OF MY HEAD (Reply)

The phone rings, in the middle of the night,
My father yells 'What you gonna do with your Abby?'

So hi, I'm actually going to talk about my life for a minute. My pal Ike asked me today if I was depressed, and yeah. I pretty much am.

Being unemployed is not good for me. I am stressed, depressed and I do not sleep. With nothing to do, I spend hours doing nothing, unable to focus or commit because nothing is productive, nothing solves anything. I have no idea how to be a pessimist, I have never accepted nihilism, but I've gotten really damned good at denial and avoidance. And fuck me if I am not the picture of a silver-spoon middle class white girl WHO IS SUPPOSED TO BE GETTING INTO GRAD SCHOOL, but I've learned not to try. But if I don't try, I can't complain, right? I haven't learned to stop saying that I'm going to try, however, and I get left listening to my own hollow promises and exclamations. Liar liar.

And that's why I never post here anymore, guys. Nothing but nonsense and memes. No good news means no news at all. I pour myself into hobbies to give myself something constructive to do and something to think about that isn't panic and defeat.

I thank God for my friends and family, even as I mooch off of them. How dangerous this is, to become an sinkhole of productivity, to take with nothing to give back, because people will stop giving eventually. And really, if I take and take and do nothing with what I'm given, they should. I have not lived up to the people I love.

And now for the news that is not me whining:

My father has cancer. Doctors found a tumor on his kidney. He's going into surgery to have it removed tomorrow, and everything looks like it's going to be a nice, neat, in-and-out removal. Coming on the tail end of a month in which two of my friends lost their fathers and others have seen their daddies in and out of the hospital, if I did not sit here and appreciate everything my dad has done for me, I wouldn't deserve to have him. Thankfully, he has an excellent doctor, and the outlook for a full recovery is quite good. Prayers and good thoughts for him would be appreciated.